Thursday 28 July 2011

An exercise in division
and Acceptance
pt II

I’ve tried to take onboard her words and be the man she wanted. I’ve gone and changed many an unhealthy aspect of my character, in the hope that she would see something new.. in the vain hope that she would be proud of me.
Silly boy.
I have nothing in her eyes that’s worth keeping. My future is certain, from her perspective. Certainly not with her. She leaves me subtle reminders without ever saying so. This is how sweet she is. Instead of bluntly letting me know. 
So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I shouldn’t have asked. Why all of a sudden, after 7 years, should I expect anything less, or, for that matter, anything more. Any love she had for me has bled away silently. In its place has crept a new impatience, one she cannot speak. At least not yet.
But I understand now. I need to go. Our time is up.
You needn’t worry, nor concern yourself with how you leave me. For I am exactly the same way as you found me. Searching. Yearning. Dreaming. Escaping. Never quite able to commit my body, mind and soul to any one thing. Destined only to wander through fields of uncertainty, of constant ebb and flow, alone, apart from all those fellow wanderers.
It was never going to be her lot.
I should have listened to the sage.

excerpt from my diary

2 comments:

Cheeky Minx said...

In your words of division, I find beauty; in your acceptance, clarity and hope. And in the fabric that weaves them together, in the 'love bleeding away silently', a recognition that speaks to my very own ache.

May the next leg of your journey be all you want and need it to be, bhp...

both.hands.please said...

Your most touching sentiment is very much appreciated Minx.

And I wish the same for you.